They say a woman’s intuition is rarely wrong. Might I add that I have experienced this first-hand. While my ex was in the midst of relapse, I had asked him directly about various odd happenings. Things had stood out to me, not because they were especially alarming, but just because they were unusual, like spending more time in the bathroom. This is not something a normal person would immediately assume is linked to drug use, but it was unusual and I asked him about it, even barging in on him a few times. As he sat naked on the toilet, I felt like quite the fool. He always had a legitimate response for my questions. A few weeks later, he was fired from his job (which now of course makes sense). Leading up to this day he had told me horror stories of his terrible boss. I have my own experience with horrible boss’ and took this opportunity to be the most supportive, non-judgmental girlfriend I could be. I remember being so happy to be able to support him as he seemed so put out from this loss. His pride was damaged and I wanted nothing but to lift him up. Time went on and I began having nightmares that he had relapsed. I would wake up out of a dead sleep, sobbing to the point of hyperventilation, waking him up to tell him the terror of the nightmare. He would reassure me that it wasn’t real and it wasn’t happening, comforting me back to sleep. I had this nightmare three times.
Then the day happened and I was not asleep. I was wide awake and the world felt like it was closing in on me. My worst nightmare was reality and I was devastated. My intuition had been spot on, even to the point that my dreams were warning me.
Risking trust again is the most difficult thing I have ever done. I feel like I am swimming in a deep sea and I don’t know which way is up. I am terrified of being betrayed again. That pain was worse than any physical injury I’ve ever experienced. My self-preservation instincts are on high alert, on the look out for lies, betrayal and deception. The problem with this overprotective mode of living is my spot-on intuition is now clouded with hyper-paranoia. Cognitively I know that those who care for me have nothing but the best intentions for me. And then there are moments that one small miscommunication leads me down a rabbit hole of confusion, suspicion, and questioning of what to believe; desperately trying to determine whether or not this is a valid red flag. This minor miscommunication sets off alarms inside my being, fight or flight kicks into gear; my chest muscles tighten, my gut feels sour, and my heart races. My instinct is to hurry and identify the deceit…. ‘Don’t let this happen again’ my subconscious screams (my pride doesn’t help either). My last relationship exemplified that illogical things that should never happen CAN happen. The person who says they love you more than anything may be lying to your face on a daily basis. You can be living together and think you know everything about one another and find out that you’ve been repeatedly deceived. This sucks big time. Unfortunately, I know I’m not the only one who has had this experience.
And yet, I want to love again. I want to trust again. I believe in good. I believe in honesty. I know that this one experience should not define me. It is maddening to deal with me I’m sure, and it is even more maddening to be inside my own head because I don’t know what to believe! I know that there are good people in the world who understand the true value of honest partnership. I know that there are healthy men who want what I want and bring to the table great attributes that I expect and admire. I want to truly and fully believe that my partner will never hurt me like this. I realize that misunderstandings and mistakes will come about, but anyone with self-discipline, self-control and love for the other would never purposely deceive.
I have come a long way since the moment of realizing my worst fear had come true. I continue to pursue healing, to become even healthier than I was before this experience. Now I desire to get my instincts and panic responses under control.This process is so frustrating. I look forward to the day in which these reflexes of distrust will be a distant memory.
“Part of the healing process is sharing with other people who care” – Jerry Cantrell