Disclaimer: I have yet to figure out exactly why, but sharing this publicly makes me feel so uncomfortable. Vulnerable. Like I am posting pages from my diary… Maybe because this is my purpose – my identity – and it is terrifying to show your most valued treasure to the world. Once exposed, it is just that – exposed. The world can be cruel, the things we value most we shelter and hide away so as not to be damaged.
But I have been told by The Divine Love that I am more than a conqueror; that I should not be afraid. I recently came to the conclusion that God did not put the dreams in my heart since childhood to torment me; rather, the vision in my mind is meant to be manifest. The dreams in my mind are a helpful signpost, showing where I am to go. How we will get there is the beautiful unknown, an adventure that I am totally in love with…
I share my story because I believe in community and I believe in working together. Who knows how this post will make an impact; either way, it is my duty to share.
When I was a little girl, people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I would tell them I wanted to have an orphanage. I had never been to an orphanage. I don’t even know where this idea came from. I had two loving, present, amazing parents. I remember driving in the car writing out lists of people who needed help, asking my mom, “Mom, who else needs help? What else costs money?” She helped me add to the list: hospitals, wheelchair fittings, Bible translations, people who could not afford schooling, groceries, medical bills, scientific research, and on and on. I had it all figured out at about age 9: I was going to be a famous singer (you know, because that just happens), I was going to collect canned-food at the door of my sold-out venues (And I was picturing sold out arenas – like where football games are held), and the money from ticket sales would go to support the various projects that “cost money”. Boom. World problems solved. Hahaha.
I went on my first humanitarian trip when I was in 5th grade to Tijuana, Mexico. A team from our church built a house for a wonderful family. I remember one of the daughters had a newborn baby. I was so in love! We playfully had our interpreter ask if we could take the baby home. I remember noticing how happy the children were with so little material goods. The most exciting game involved a piece of string tied around a June bug (big colorful beetle). The beetle would then fly around in circles, while the kids held the string… their version of flying a kite I guess. ;)
This experience was the first tangible taste of what was deeply rooted in my heart.
My teenage years came around and the realization that not everyone can just become a famous singer, and not everyone likes all types of music, and not everyone cares about helping the world crushed me like a ton of bricks. I was silently devastated. I tucked my dreams and passions away, focusing on more practical things – like school, youth group, and making money. With the acceptance of my dreams remaining just dreams, I became a typical teen / young adult. I went out dancing, soaking up the joy from music. I sing karaoke instead of the sold-out concert arenas. I drank and partied to escape the hum-drum life of what was apparently real life. I went through the motions well; graduating early from high school, always landing the very best jobs, graduating from college with honors, moving around the country in search of adventure.
Time went on, love and life happened, and I was mad at God – and equally sure that He was mad at me. I was (am) so fed up with religion. Rarely did I ever encounter God in their silly little club gatherings. During a conversation with a pastor, I once said, “You have your services scheduled down to the minute, if Jesus decided to stop by, would we have time to squeeze him in?” He stared at me blankly.
When I moved to Los Angeles, I met Kelly through a group of friends. We learned that our birthdays were only one day apart and went out to one of the ‘hottest’ clubs in Los Angeles, VIP, celebrating another year on this planet. The table was ridiculously crowded, everyone in the space believing they owned it (a promoter strategy). A girl (not in our group) stood with hands on her hips, purposely pressing her elbow into my ribs, in an attempt to secure “real estate”. I brought this to her attention that she should not elbow me, seconds later we were on the floor scrapping. Classy, eh? Kelly may have not known much about me, but she got a glimpse of my fire that night. I didn’t really care about much of anything. The things that mattered to me were out of reach so I just went through the motions, going to work, paying bills, escaping life on the weekends, and trying my best to create joy. [I share this not because I advocate for fighting, but to show where I was in my life during this time. Keep reading.]
A few weeks later she invited me to this “travel club” thing. I had no idea what I was joining her for, but I was down because I love travel! I caught the vision immediately – although I was completely suspicious. That night I went home and studied the entire program, front-to-back. I highlighted the small-print, searching for the catch. There was no catch. I texted her late that night saying, “Do you realize what this is?!? I can’t sleep!”
Kelly had also invited me to church a few times. Inside I was thinking “HA! Yeah right.” I would politely decline, telling her I don’t go to church anymore. She is a persistent one – turns out she also has some of that Aries fire. One Sunday morning she called me telling me to get up, that she’d be at my house in 20 minutes to pick me up for church. I said no, that I wanted to sleep, but then I felt bad for her, realizing she would be going alone if I didn’t go. So I went as a pity date, dreading it the entire way there.
We walked in the door, the music started, and my soul began to receive a very clear message. I had the most freeing love encounter. Divine Love showed me in indescribable ways that He was never mad at me, revealing to me all the ways He had been with me. The weight of the beauty was too much. I could barely stand on my own two feet. I was so overtaken with this experience of glory. At the end of the service, two girls prayed with me. The first, saying out loud, “God wants you to know that He is SO proud of you.” Here I had believed this lie that God was mad at me, or disappointed in me. The truth is He just wanted me to live at the level I was created for, not because He was mad, but because that is where I would be FULFILLED. Soon, my dreams [purpose] began to resurface…
Later that year, I spent 4-months volunteering, spending time in Haiti. My time in Haiti was like focusing at the eye-doctor when they ask “Which is better, 1 or 2?” My vision was sharpened as to what I am to do and where. I stayed in an orphanage with 36 foster children whose parents were left with no choice but to abandon them in hopes they would have an education, hopes for a bright future. These children were left here anywhere from infancy to up to 15-years-old. Can you imagine abandoning your children because you cannot provide for them? I was able to learn a bit about how the system is flawed, and how this is directly affecting the people. I cannot wait to learn more.
I now understand that everything was being set up so strategically. This “travel club thing” is the vehicle to my purpose. Already changing lives. Already setting thousands of people free. All you have to do is jump in! I am not chasing money; I am chasing freedom. Time and financial freedom so that on my deathbed I will not look back on my life and have to say that I did not live out my dreams because I was too afraid. Too afraid of failure. Too afraid of what others will think. Too afraid to outgrow my relationship or spouse. Too afraid to go against my religious institution. Too afraid to not be “successful”.
I will finish the race, and I will finish strong, because I am chasing my purpose. It has never been so tangible, so attainable.
What dreams do you hold in your mind that are meant for manifestation? You may have to dig deep to remember. Only you hold your dreams and the world needs you to walk them out.
I would love to support you in your journey! PM me and let’s chat!